Hell Is Available For Rent

By Teia Arsonist 10 years ago

Scientists are complaining that the world is now overpopulated. Sooner there will be no more wars about oil (US attacked IRAQ for oil), terrorism and diverse political views only wars about conquering the planet.

Declaring wars for ownership of land is not a new thing. The Jews and the Palestinians have been fighting over the holy land of Israel. But declaring wars to rule the world? That’s totally insane. Think of Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest.

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And while the scientists are still complaining about the population (and still not in the mood to talk about global warming, producing documentaries about the problem) and the religious groups are fighting over birth control pills (and keep informing the public that having sex before marriage is a sin and condoms are for the devils (sorry condom users and manufacturers, the Vatican believes you’re all Satanic perverts), the black metal bands, the trying hard to be atheists, the brokenhearted souls, the boys who hate the Powerpuff Girls, Mojo Jojo and the people whose favorite movie is the never-ending versions of the Chainsaw Massacre are all united to promote one solution to end overpopulation- convince Satan to go to the North Pole for a cool vacation with Santa Claus and rent hell for temporary residency. Get to know their campaign and read the following:

  • If you want to rent apartments in the city of man (courtesy of St. Augustine), then you are only promoting overpopulation. Therefore it’s against the campaign.
  • Sex is okay. Don’t worry if you’re still a virgin, you won’t die if you want to have sex for the first time. If you want to use condoms, make sure that your annoying brother or sister did not make holes in the condom’s pack out of pins or needles.
  • Hell apartment has great furniture (courtesy of Hitler’s taste) and there’s no need to worry about the fire. Technically, you are insured. What a hell of an apartment.
  • The last and the most important: Pay your rent on time. Of course, Satan loves it when you’re bad and all, but when it comes to hell rules, he loves it more if you’re good. If you won’t pay on time, he might get mad and send you to heaven (well, that is if you’re not a hardcore sinner).

 

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Soon, there will be no more prisons to maintain, no depressed wardens who are against the death penalty and no prison breaks. Based on the statements and the group’s strong will to end hunger and oil and energy crisis, I say every member’s request for hell residency should be approved by the Vatican.

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4 thoughts on “Hell Is Available For Rent”

  1. A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN

    I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores. You awoke without kneeling to pray. As a matter of fact, you didn’t even bless your meals, or pray before going to bed last night. You are so unthankful, I like that about you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have not changed your way of living, Fool, you are mine.

    Remember, you and I have been going steady for years, and I still don’t love you yet. As a matter of fact, I hate you, because I hate God. I am only using you to get even with God. He kicked me out of heaven, and I’m going to use you as long as possible to pay him back.

    You see, Fool, GOD LOVES YOU and HE has great plans in store for you. But you have yielded your life to me, and I’m going to make your life a living hell. That way, we’ll be together twice. This will really hurt God.

    Thanks to you, I’m really showing Him who’s boss in your life with all of the good times we’ve had. We have been watching sexual movies, cursing people, stealing, lying, being hypocritical, having sex, telling bad nasty jokes, into porn, tons of lust, disrespecting adults, and those in leadership positions, no respect for the Church, bad attitudes.

    SURELY you don’t want to give all this up. Come on, Fool, let’s burn together forever. I’ve got some hot plans for us. This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you. I’d like to say “THANKS” for letting me use you for most of your foolish life. You are so gullible, I laugh at you.

    When you are tempted to sin, you give in HA HA HA, you make me sick. Sin is beginning to take it’s toll on your life. Now, I need new blood. So go ahead and teach some others how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or drink, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of others showing them the real life and they will do it too. Many eyes are on you and do just what you do.

    Well, Fool, I have to let you go for now. I’ll be back in a couple of seconds to tempt you again. If you were smart, you would run, confess you sins, and live for God with all your heart and stop doing what the world does. It’s not my nature to warn anyone, but to be your age and still sinning, it’s becoming a bit ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate you. IT’S JUST THAT YOU’D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.

    P.S. If you really love me, you won’t share this letter with anyone.

    Reply

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